Saturday, January 3


I wish I could sleep but now is not the time. My body desperately wants to rest but my mind is racing, it wants to speak. Why does it hurt so much to grow up? And why can't I get over my fear of death?

Because I'm a coward...

I just had a huge argument with my mom. I know she loves me but sometimes I wonder why; I'm definitely not the best daughter out there: I scream, I ignore, I say it as it is...
As we were screaming earlier, I caught myself saying something I instantly regretted. I told her she was not a good parent... Of all things, that might be the worst... I can't ever imagine myself living what she lived, having to work hard most days to support 3 kids and a husband she knows is cheating, having to call the cops in front of her children because her husband tried to kill her, going back to school for a Masters because the kids want to go to University...

Why did I say that? So selfish...

I think my comments were said to the wrong person. I have so much bottled up inside... I feel like I could jump right out of my skin... I needed a father, I got a violent womanizer... If there's a God, why can't he help me?

I still believe there's something out there for me, something better than all the anger, all the sadness, all the morbid thoughts, and all the dirty memories I have inside.

I need to make this lifetime work.


  1. I'm so impulsive it's scary, I've said things to people I regretted the second later. And I never apologize because it's too hard for me to accept what I've done.
    I don't really know how to change that..

  2. I know exactly what you mean, I consider myself an impulsive person and it's not always an asset.
    I don't know how to change that either, I don't think there's a "cure".

  3. There has to be something better out there for you. For me, too. That thought has kept me going for years.

  4. Well, it appears we are at least 4 ppl in the same boat...