Friday, January 23

yesterday, at a public park

I'm sorry readers,
I'm so sorry.
(I know some people I trust read this and so... )

I know I've been awfully gloomy lately and it has influenced the quality of my posts and blog in general. There's definitely more to me than a broken lovesick heart and flowing thoughts of sexual decadence... I'm just going through a bunch of crap and don't have the tools to help me cope with the stressful situations. I realized last night how detached and sad I've been, when a little boy randomly came up to me and asked me if I was okay.
I don't know him, I'm sure we've never met before... and yet this 6 year-old - he told me how old he was moments before his mom retrieved him - knew I wasn't alright.
When he left, I cried silently... right in the middle of the public park I stood for awhile. I'm sure I looked demented... but it hit me... why am I playing this messeed up role? Why should I be the victim? I'm sure it doesn't have to be this way... Jane, of all ways to leave this planet, you're not going to die of a broken heart.

Not much has worked out for me in the past... if someone was to make a movie of my life 'til now, it'd probably fall under the Rated R horror films... or something close to it... I'll start feeling better when able to share what has happened in my life without being so scared.

I'm still scared.

I might wake up tomorrow morning and forget this present moment. Maybe meeting the little guy will mean nothing by Monday... but for right now nothing else damn matters. I'm sure I haven't reached a level of pure happiness... today, I'm settling for okay.

I'm okay.


  1. I just read your last post... Jane don't do it, it'll probably suck after.
    I agree with P, hurting sometimes is the best way.

    Being okay is pretty good actually :)

  2. maybe sharing it will bring you some sort of closure and a concrete view on your emotions? It might make you cry, but I'm sure that typing it up will rationalize your thoughts. It works for me, after so and so long, but it ENDS up working. TRUST ME. I know it's typical, but anyone who knows me knows how sappy i get during a broken heart,and how hard it is to go through, so I'll be typical right here: but if I could do it, you can too.

  3. LOL my friend follows you as well.. interesting...

    Well I totally agree with her(N.J.) ...she does get all...sappy I believe she wrote.. and who wouldn't... its your fucking heart after all!

    Reaching out to understand your deepest emotions totally fucking blows, I'm not gonna lie.. but the satisfaction and understanding you get from it is simply ...unexplainable...

  4. Jo: Being okay is what I needed that day. I know... it'd probably suck wouldn't it..

    NJ: Putting things into words helps me more than often... dealing with emotions is not my thing though.. It's so hard

    P: The things of the heart suck so bad... I'm starting to see things more clearly though.
    Baby steps.